Let there be light

Wow. Where to even begin. Even writing again after so long feels like an old acquaintance that I used to know really well. But I'm here and I'm doing it.

What I am about to share is very raw and vulnerable but something is calling me to share it just in case it could help someone else. Especially those who need some light in their life to shine through the perpetual darkness that they feel trapped within. I see you and you're not alone in this.

Over the last 6 months (well, my whole life really but let's start within a more manageable period of time), I have been on a deep excavation of my traumas, wounds, and shadow parts as well as a discovery of self. I have welcomed and sat with all of my shadow parts (that I know of at least) and the versions of Jess that have been left so deeply wounded to heal and leave it all in the past. To rise above it all and to be of best service to the world and to the fellow beings that I share this beautiful, life-giving planet with. To heal and empower others to heal.

Tonight felt like a great summary as I allowed myself to flow through a trauma-informed breathwork, somatic movement and meditation cleanse. I feel so much lighter and more attuned to the feelings arising in my body. No longer dissasociated and in a trauma response. Coming out the other side I feel pulled to share my experience, with candid transparency and authenticity to hopefully resonate with other's on their healing journey - or those yet to begin. I'm so glad you've made it this far and I truly hope this helps, even if only a little bit.

It all started with a trigger event. A really big one.

My partner, our friend and myself all sat down to watch the latest episode of The Boys together. Now if you want to see what happens when souls remain tortured and repeat the cycle of pain and suffering endlessly until they die, then this show is for you. I have such an appreciation of the social commentary that I feel is weaved through the narrative but sometimes I really wish the show would start with a trigger warning for the content to come because h'oh boy was I blindsided and left with whip lash.

I felt myself go into a freeze response as the credits began rolling and I strained a smile and laugh as I turned to my companions. My mind racing asking me what I just witnessed.

Now you may have guessed it by now but I am going attempt to mindfully and through practicing trauma-informed approaches write about some traumatic themes. Although I will spare you all of the gory details as you don't need to know that. I will also seek with my utmost dedication to avoid triggering any of you as that's the last thing I'm seeking to do here. If this does happen please seek support, whether its me or someone you trust. Once again, you're not alone.

How about we all take a deep breath to regulate, calm our nervous system and ground into the present moment?

Breathe in.....

Breathe out.....

Again.

Breathe in....

Breathe out.....

Feel what the body is doing at this very moment. Register any thoughts, bodily sensations or moods to your consciousness. Accept it all without resistance. All are welcome.

Sigh

Okay, I feel better now at least and I hope you do too.

Now back to tonight's journey.

As both of my companions prepared themselves to leave, I felt the tension grabbing my stomach, pounding my heart and flooding my thoughts. The heat rising in my face as I consciously reminded myself to keep taking deep breaths. That I was safe. That this too shall pass.

I immediately laid out a yoga mat and set the intention that this would be my safe space until I had released the tension now releasing stabbing pains in my belly and had regulated my nervous system, at least if only a little bit.

I gathered practical and symbolic items to support me through my journey: my journals, pens, the book 'The Body Keeps the Score' (which is a fantastic foundational book on how trauma transforms the mind, brain and body), a plush that gives me comfort (and no, I don't think adults shouldn't enjoy the comfort of a cuddly little pineapple. His name is Nani and he is very good to me, thank you very much), photos representing my unalome (my life's path so far), hair care items, my laptop, a blanket, my speaker, my phone, water and finally...myself.

So I plonked my butt on the mat and selected Raye's beautifully crafted and incredibly raw song, 'Genesis' to play over my speaker and commence my journey. This song hits deep each and every time that I listen to it. Raye, thank you for this gift to the world. What a gift you have. Thank you for sharing it with us.

If you haven't heard it yet then I encourage you to momentarily pause reading this to listen to it. I feel you'll likely understand the next few lines with more clarity if you do.

What a song huh?

To me, this song so magically and eloquently reflects so much of my own lived experience.

From feeling so lost. Using numbing and disassociation coping mechanisms. Pulling myself away from these distractions to train myself to sit in my body and feel (this is one that is still a work in progress to be completely candid with you). Being so highly critical so that no one else could dare say anything that would shake me (although it always did. So, so deeply). Prioritising the wrong people/things in life. Feeling trapped in the darkness of depression. 'Anxiety pressing an index finger to [my] lips'. 'My ego conquering new heights'. To waking up and realising in every cell of my being that I - we all - need light.

We need healing. To break the perpetual cycles of pain, suffering and abuse that we often find ourselves - and others - brutally trapped within.

You only need to look at the fear-mongering news cycle to see and feel the immense pain being experienced around the world right now. Of the burden being shoved into the laps of future generations with our shit (sorry, language warning) because we can't handle it ourselves.

Enough is enough. No more.

I wrote down some thoughts guided by the New Moon cycle journal prompt and felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. In the uplifting words of Raye, 'Let there be light.'

As I allowed myself to write in a state of flow, similar to what I'm doing here (oh, we do love a good breaking of the fourth wall), I realised that I've finally achieved something that I have been longing for my entire life.

The knowing that I've got me. I always have and I always will.

At this point, I smiled at the collection of framed photos showcasing the cheeky grin of a well-fed baby and a little toddler with a backwards cap to represent her attitude. I smiled at the parts of me that I no longer reject, that I embrace with an open heart and honour every. single. day.

I now knew that the next phase was to surrender to my breath and allow my body to release trapped emotions plaguing my body.

Thanks to my beautiful trauma-informed breathwork facilitator and teacher, Estelle, I had just the playlist for the journey that I felt called to embark on. Thank you for all of your gifts and wisdom.

And so off I went.

I began releasing tension through allowing myself to flow through somatic movement to a few songs that made me feel light, in flow and powerful. You can sub in any music that makes you feel good and just allow your body to rock and sway to the rhythm. Trust that your body knows what to do because it does.

Somatic movement is described by Repose Therapy on their website as 'gentle, deliberate movements [that] can facilitate emotional release and reduce physical tension'.

Feeling energetically and emotionally drained, I laid down to start tapping into the power or slow, conscious power breaths. This video is an amazing place to be guided here, especially if this is new for you.

Serendipitously the first song's title was 'Surrender' by Natalie Taylor. This is exactly what I was being called to do and so I did. I surrendered. I let the tears stream down my face and my inner child to let go of all of the pain and tension that she was holding onto and needing to release. Once again, I felt the darkness leave me and the light came streaming back in.

By this point, 'Forgive' by Trevor Hall and Luka Lesson played reminding me of the power that I keep when I practice forgiveness.

To forgive the ones who passed their pain onto me - to let what is not mine to leave me. To forgive myself for any mistakes that I have ever made - and will make - and to love myself unconditionally because these have all been my lessons.

I looked over once again to the temporary gallery of phases throughout my life to the song 'With you' by Mishegas. Photos representing the parts that still exist within me and the people who have guided me and supported me along my journey.

I spoke gently and with immense love to every individual in each photo (we all do it, c'mon) and wished them well.

I essentially began practicing Meta Loving Kindness meditation. Sam Harris has collated a collection of fantastic guided meditations for this in his Waking Up app, which I highly recommend.

I stood up once again to release tension and trapped emotions from my body through somatic movement to an aptly named song on Spotify called 'Cosmic storm' by A Hitmitsu. That was a journey in and of itself.

Finally I laid back down to consciously breathe gently to the beautiful sentiments sung by Ziggy Alberts in his upbeat tune, 'Bright Lights'.

And then I came here. Wow, we made it.

If you're still with me, thank you for being open to me sharing my journey with you. I wholeheartedly hope it resonates in one way or another and I would love to hear from any of you about what it brought up.

Feel free to see this as an invitation to reach out if you feel pulled to do so. My virtual door is always open although I may take some time to get back to you. My loved ones can all vouch for this so it is never personal.

I wish you all the light in the world and may you be well. May you be free from suffering and pain. May you find peace.

May you be free.